ROSE-COLORED CUFFS

May 18th, 2018

This episode references episode 25: Preacher vs. Teacher vs. Party-maker and episode 21: The Montage is False.

Those who care for us do so –presumably- for a simple reason: because of who we are.

A heavy pour and quick shot of logic produces this trap: 

If I change, will they still love me?

This is dangerous. First and foremost because it is an assumption. What’s to say that family and friends won’t love you more if you change?

And if it feels painful to merely exist.

Painful to think.

Painful to operate.

Painful to just get up in the morning.

Painful to just keep going. . .

Anyone who loves you will be open arms, and let you go through that open door of change. They will be there on the other side too, waiting for you again.

That is the cheesy ideal circumstance. Meaning, it's not usually the case.

Not everyone is open to such change: changes in ourselves often uncomfortably highlight changes that loved ones need to make in themselves. This can be finagled into a virtuous cycle, a community of change. But it requires tender gloves, and flexible, agile, experimenting, often counter-intuitive thinking. Difficult. Perhaps trying to navigate the already-difficult path of changing one's self is enough for the moment. Don't take on the whole world around you.

Take heed that change happens slowly.

Declarations of a better you and a better future need not be made. Keep it a secret. The montage is not going to happen overnight.

Think of change more like a subversive tree root cracking the sidewalk. You never notice until after it's happened.

The very aggravating aspect of change - that it happens so slowly – can be an ally when it comes to the restraining influence of loved ones. Before they notice, the good habits will have their hold. Before they can complain, you’re fortifications will be built. Before they doubt, your work will speak for itself.

Loved ones intend to be supportive. But often their own fears, insecurities and inequities turn their influence into rose-colored handcuffs. Working to keep you as you are, so they don't have to confront such an up-close example of the fact that change is possible. That a better you can be built. And in turn prove that they too could build a better self too.

Those who have any fear of change work against feeling that kind of obligation. No matter what they might think or say about being supportive. It's the old reptile part of the brain hijacking the higher executive function in the name of the sacred cause of laziness.

Don’t struggle against them, and preach as a prisoner.

Quietly plan your escape. 

Study the lock.

By the time they notice you’ve escaped, You’ll be kickin’ it on a beach in Mexico.

So to speak.

(And who knows, they might just be inspired to join you: the Party-maker.)