NATURAL SPRING

April 27th, 2018

Picture a village well.

It’s a source of life that is visited daily by everyone.

Picture this village well overflowing. Forget everything about aquifers and how natural springs occur in nature. Forget the village. Just picture a well with nothing but fairly even ground all around it, and this well is overflowing.

What happens to the water? It spills over the edges of the well and goes all over the place in a growing blob. It advances with the small fluctuations in the land around it, racing into a dip and filling. Overflowing again, uncontrolled.

What to do?

Imagine you had a short time before you knew the well was going to overflow. What could you do?

Picture yourself like a kid at the beach, scraping out a path that leads out from the well. Then the water overflows once more. 

But this time, it has somewhere to go, if only for a short distance. Your small canal fills up and leads the water quickly out in the direction you chose. Till it reaches the end and the canal overflows. The chaos of too much water spreads again.

The next time, the remnant of your canal is still there. The edges have rounded, and it’s filled in some. But it’s something compared to nothing. It takes no time to shape it up again, make it a little longer, deeper, give it a turn or two. And then before the well overflows, you have time to start another canal leading off in a different direction. 

This time both your canals carry off the water till it’s too much and everything overflows again.

But you work again, and each time, you deepen your canals, you lengthen them and you add new ones.

Eventually, one day. The well will overflow, and your network of canals will fill like dominos falling. It will flow and glisten like some kind of magnificent maze. A landscape of your own design.

But what are we talking about here?

The well is simply the source of emotion. The water is the emotion. Doesn’t matter what kind, happy or sad. Just raw emotion.

When a child has a temper tantrum, that water is gushing from the well and going everywhere. 

The canals dug out from that well are our habits, our strategies, our systems. And they are all our own design. We may have built them haphazardly, even unconsciously, and probably poorly. Some may even lead to bad places. Perhaps only a few have been dug, and often overflow, leaving us to look like that little child, deranged by emotion. Rendered incapable, paralyzed and confused.

But each day is an opportunity to dig.

And while it may be constantly discouraging to see your canals flooded and overflowing, rounded and partially filled each time. At least something of them still exists when the waters recede. And you have something to work with. Something to work on. 

Till one day. After so many days of consistent constant work – work too big to be done in a day, work that must be done like dominos, when only one block can be set up in a day. Some kind of black swan comes along. Something unanticipated, perhaps disastrous. And the well overflows.

But now you respond differently. You have planned by practicing. By working and building. You interpret the disaster differently, and instead of simply reacting, now, you can take action. 

Your mandala of water is unfulfilled without emotion. 

And now some disaster has become an opportunity to see it work. 

What a gift.

P.S. Remember, once rivers get deep enough, they start digging on their own. Think of the grand canyon. Think of all your bad habits, and how entrenched them seem, how deep they have dug on their own. What about good habits? Where will you dig next?

THE FAILED DANCE OF THE KNOW-IT-ALL AND THE PERIWINKLE

April 26th, 2018

Know-it-all’s make people feel that they are wrong. The know-it-all makes it very plain and obvious that other person’s mental map of the world is inaccurate. 

But the know-it-all is just trying to be helpful.

Trying to be helpful, but failing to help.

Why?

Not only does feedback imply that a person’s mental map is inaccurate but it also implies the need for further action to rectify the map. This requires subduing an emotional tie to our own grandiosity and certainty. Subduing the fact that we think we know what we know AND combating laziness that keeps us from taking the next action. This is heavy leg-work. Not easily undertaken. Especially if the emotional environment is one of defensiveness and uncomfortable vulnerability. 

How does the know-it-all come to be the know-it-all? Questions. The know-it-all is curious and asks questions. But when the know-it-all looks to share knowledge, the know-it-all forgets that the acquisition of such knowledge started with a questioning. Without a similar questioning in another person, such proffered knowledge can easily come across as offensive, annoying and even belittling. The know-it-all must foster questions, not simply deluge info.

The next time someone says something inaccurate. Can we pause before we try to correct someone?

Can we challenge ourselves with some questions:

What sort of question can I ask to help this person examine their own thoughts on the subject?

Is there a question I can ask that will help them get at the core of their feelings on the subject?

Perhaps what they find might be illuminating in an unexpected way?

Might that way be more welcoming to new information?

Then again, new information might not even be needed.

Questioning is a self-starting journey.

People are smarter and better than we give them credit for.

Often all they need is a better question. A better question to help them probe a subject on their own.

A natural defensive reaction to a show-off, holier-than-thou, know-it-all, definitely doesn't help someone on this journey. In fact it nearly guarantees that someone won't go on the curious journey that is needed.

{This is the reason for the "Backfire Effect" in psychology. The Backfire Effect is when people who are confronted with facts that directly contradict their beliefs become more certain of their original beliefs instead of becoming skeptical of their own accuracy. Logic would hold that facts contrary to beliefs would mean that the beliefs are somehow flawed and therefore must be improved or removed altogether. But this is not what happens. The emotional strain of coming across new information that implies a failure on our part shuts down a welcoming attitude in normal people.}

Can we start a culture of questions?

Can we challenge ourselves to find better questions?

Periwinkles are small marine snails. Any sudden movement will make that sucker clam up fast.

Any beach loving kid knows that you can’t force a periwinkle open. That’ll just kill it.

Those beach loving kids also know how to get a periwinkle to open up:

Patience and singing. 

Might the change that we are looking to make in others be like our periwinkle? 

Elusive and easily startled?

Might it be better to first help someone feel comfortable?

Might our message be aided by a comfortable and curious ear?

Confrontation creates defense. 

Defense is another way of saying fear.

Fear is the killer of curiosity.

Therefore.

Might a blunt message create confrontation? 

Might a confrontation create a defensive posture? 

Might the fear behind that defensive posture kill the very curiosity we need for our message to succeed?

Might the know-it-all in all of us be aided by a thoughtful pause and a kind and generous consideration of the people we wish to help by correcting? 

The intention is to help. 

But have we examined the way we try to help?

Can our good intention be honored by a more thoughtful method?

Has the alternative ever really worked anyway?

PRIORITIES

April 25th, 2018

Most likely: Your priorities are not what you tell other people. Your priorities are not what you tell yourself. Your priorities are not what you hope.

There’s a simple way to test this out.

Write out your ideal priority list.

Go ahead. Do it.

Now.

. . .

. . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . .

Is that list what you do on a daily, weekly, monthly basis?

If the answer is yes, then bravo. You are an exceptional human.

If not. Then some reflection is in order. Your actions reveal what you prioritize. Whether you like it or not, this is how you are spending the precious little time we are all given. Time is your most valuable resource. Way more valuable than money. Why? Time is non-renewable. It's valuable beyond comprehension. (but we gotta try to comprehend..)

What you spend that precious time doing indicates what your priorities have become.

Some of that precious time might be well spent contemplating a reorganization. Of your habits, commitments, work, your life.

Ignore the disconnect? Reason it away?

That’s denial.

ALAZIA

April 24th, 2018

Alazia is the fear that one can no longer change.

It’s a fear. Not a fact.

An ingenious fear as far as concepts that can take a deep viral root in the brain go, since, the fear is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Fear makes one less likely to attempt actions that contradict the fear.

Appropriately, the converse is also true. If we can change our idea about whether we believe this fear or not, this simple act proves it wrong in the same moment. Something has changed in us. Therefore, we have changed.

TINY STEPS AND LEAPS

April 23rd, 2018

There are only two reasons for tiny steps: 

The first is for fine-tuning. 

But just as the largest switchbacks are at the base of the mountain where it is widest, and the smallest, tightest, fine-tuning switchbacks are at the top where there is simply very little room – tiny steps for fine-tuning come only after large leaps.

The second reason for tiny steps is: fear.

Those who wish to change but are unwilling to take those initial large leaps in different directions towards progress falsely comfort themselves with tiny steps.

“I like to take my time.”

 “I do small experiments to get a more detailed understanding.”

“It’s just dramatic and crazy to make such big changes! And it could be a mistake that’s as big as the leap! If a mistake is going to be made, better it be only a small step in the direction of that mistake. Easier to turn back, less distance to retrace.”

Less distance to retrace back to that comfortable little bubble.

How many Disney movies do we need before we intuit the fact that substantial change and growth starts with huge moves, far flung adventure, drastic measures, grand experiments, taking chances and courageous risks? These movies start with a boring status quo: a comfortable little bubble. And then that bubble pops.

Only tiny steps are possible inside that comfortable bubble and they will never result in meaningful, substantial change. 

(This does not actually mean we must go on some far flung adventure. We can very easily make a huge leap regarding the contents of our refrigerator. All that requires is a trip to the grocery store with a new and radical intention about what we will buy.)

Relying only on tiny steps towards progress is similar to expecting an ant to one day give you a detailed map of the planet. An ant takes tiny steps.

Unless it’s an immortal ant and we have an absolutely ridiculous amount of time, we’re only going to get a very detailed map of a tiny portion of say, a neighborhood. (Think about how fast and vast the distance travelled by a GPS satellite – THAT will give you a map.)

The other aspect of Tiny Steps Vs. Leaps is that our observational abilities are fairly dull and flawed, especially when it’s with regards to self-observation. 

The actual results of tiny steps are simply really difficult to accurately and reliably notice without a large context as a backdrop for the arena of our experiementation.

We kid ourselves that a tiny step we have taken is having a noticeable effect, but fail to take into account the placebo effect -  which works even if you know you’re taking a placebo! Chances are, the positive effects of that tiny change are just all in our head. 

That’s not necessarily bad. 

But it’s a delusional understanding of one’s self.

A positive mental attitude is just first-gear. It will only get you so far.

These delusional effects are harder to ‘fake’ if the changes we institute are more on the order of a giant leap.

Large leaps are more likely to result in actual, noticeable changes. Good changes, unexpected changes, unneeded changes... the whole shebang of experimental results. Changes that are unforgivingly noticeable, and therefore constitute reliable information about the world and ourselves.

We learn more, and we learn more accurately by starting with drastic changes, and working from those large leaps down to smaller and smaller tiny steps in order to fine-tune exactly what works for us.

Think of it this way:

When Michelangelo started sculpting his ‘David’ out of a giant solid block of stone. Do you think he started with sandpaper?

We must not delude ourselves into thinking that we’ve already made those large leaps or that they aren’t useful.

Take out the biggest chisel, the heaviest mallet and start. . .

blasting away.